Address:
Visits:
 |
|||
| Pursuing Happiness in a Strange Land | ||
 |
||
(Originally published in the September 2008 issue of the International Newcomers Club´s INC Chat newsletter). The goal of adapting quickly to life in a new host country is complicated by a number of formidable challenges. First off, in unfamiliar surroundings, even the most trivial activities, like going to the supermarket or dropping the kids off at a friend's home, can be hugely stressful events. The good news is that for most, within several weeks, this once foreign terrain begins to become familiar and a bit more manageable. Second, the unique language and culture of the host country can stand as concrete barriers to forming connections with the locals and building a social network. As such, many expat spouses tend to seek out others on the same side of the "language/culture barrier" for companionship. This can be healthy in the short run by enabling them quickly to establish a social network and find shoulders to lean on. The downside is that it lessens a person's motivation to put in the effort required to knock down the barrier altogether and may lead the person to remain generally isolated from the native culture. Additionally, even though the expat spouse may well be a highly educated woman with an impressive resume, in her new home, she is generally not allowed to have a job. This limitation strips her of an important source of social contact, identity, and self-worth. Also taking a toll on her self esteem is the sense that, while filling the role of "nonworking expat spouse", she is repeatedly reminded in various ways that, for the time-being, she is just that: an expat spouse. Her identity, which had previously been derived from participation in all sorts of productive activities and social engagements, is now fully enmeshed in her being the wife of a company employee. Perhaps most important, though, is the lack of structure that a nonworking spouse has in her day. This contrasts sharply with her husband's days, which are structured by his job, and the kids' days, which are structured by school. A large amount of free time may seem like a dream come true at first blush, but before long, it can present its own challenges. Add to the mix the typical complaints that many expats have about life in São Paulo in particular, such as concerns about personal safety, traffic congestion, a seeming lack of open space, ineffectual law enforcement, frustrating customer service, etc.; and it is not surprising that many newcomers feel overwhelmed and stressed out. Studies of lottery winners and severely injured accident victims suggest that, no matter what great or horrible things happen in our lives, people are generally really happy or really sad for a while, but then tend to revert back to their own personal baseline level of happiness, which had been in place before the life-changing event. Indeed, studies of twins separated at birth suggest that this baseline level of happiness is, to some extent, genetically predetermined. Some may conclude that there is little point in trying to become happier, since history clearly "shows" that they are genetically "fated" to be miserable. But, actually these twin studies find only a 50 percent correlation in happiness level for twins reared apart. It’s estimated that maybe 10-15 percent depends on measurable variables like marital status, health, and income. The remaining 35-40 percent of variance is due to other factors that we can’t quite put our fingers on. So what are these other factors? Some research suggests that happiness may have a lot to do with the way we look at our circumstances rather then the circumstances themselves. In one study conducted by researchers at SUNY Buffalo, participants were asked to complete in writing a sentence beginning, “I’m glad I’m not a . . .” After doing this five times, participants reported a significant elevation in feelings of life satisfaction, compared with what they had reported earlier. Another group of subjects was asked to complete the sentence, “I wish I were a . . .” five times. Afterward, the latter group as a whole reported feeling more dissatisfied with their lives than before. So a person's level of life satisfaction in a given moment can be altered (at least temporarily) simply by a shift in perspective. During a typical weekday, people spend from 40 to 80 percent of their waking hours engaged in either productive activities, such as work and studying, or maintenance activities (e.g., getting dressed, cleaning the house, cooking, eating, driving, etc.) The rest of the time is spent engaged in leisure activities. After the move, a nonworking spouse must suddenly fill up that portion of the day that used to be allotted for productive activities with other activities. For most, all of those hours that were once reserved for productive pursuits now become unstructured leisure time. Even those who identified themselves as homemakers before the move, now find themselves with one or more full-time employees who are responsible for many of those tasks that they used to do themselves, thus leading to more free time. This discussion of how to spend one's leisure time leads to the first of three of what I call "behavior traps" -- behavior patterns that are all too common among newcomer spouses and that tend to make successful adaptation to the new country more difficult or at least to prolong the process: Behavior Trap #1 - Excessive engagement in passive leisure. In his book, Finding Flow: The Psychology of Engagement with Everyday Life, leading happiness researcher Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi points out that "[w]ithout goals and without others to interact with, most people begin to lose motivation and concentration. The mind begins to wander and more often than not it will focus on unresolvable problems that cause anxiety." To keep the anxiety out of consciousness and to avoid having to deal with the discomfort, many look for mindless activities to pass the time. These mindless activities include such things as TV-watching, internet surfing, compulsive eating, compulsive shopping, and, in more extreme cases, alcohol and drug abuse. All of these behaviors function in the moment to reduce the inner chaos in consciousness, but then tend to leave the person feeling dissatisfied. Most passive activities are generally harmless in moderation. Passive leisure can become a problem, though, when an individual uses it as the principal, or only, strategy for filling up free time. The behavior becomes a habit and cuts off further opportunities for improving one’s quality of life. Behavior Trap #2 - Negative comparisons. Spending time comparing your current situation with that of another place and time when you had it better or comparing yourself with someone else who’s got it better leads to unhappiness. For example, in Olympic races, the bronze medalists tend to be happier than the silver medalists. Why? Because the silver medalist is comparing himself with the guy who got the gold, while the winner of the bronze is more likely to compare his position with that of the rest of the pack, all of whom came away with nothing. Behavior Trap #3 - Serial negativity. There is nothing wrong with venting a bit to blow off steam with a trusted friend. In fact, being able to do so is important for one's mental health. The problem is when negativity becomes an entrenched habit. When you find yourself repeatedly focusing on the negative aspects of your experience, this serves to turn up the volume on those negative thoughts and leads to an increase in negative feelings like anger, sadness, and frustration. Trying not to think about the things that are upsetting you is also a flawed strategy, as the mind has a funny way of going in the exact opposite direction and focusing on them even more. Cognitive-behavioral therapists have found two strategies in particular to be effective in dealing with recurring negative thoughts. One helpful approach is to develop a positive response to counter your negative thoughts. Having a rational counterargument at the ready for whenever a negative thought should arise can help to reshape your negative thoughts and strip them of their power. A second cognitive strategy that can also be effective is to simply be aware of and observe your negative thoughts as they appear. Realize that they are just a passing phenomenon and allow them to come and go. Remind yourself that they are being generated as nothing more than a mental habit, and that they are actually quite harmless. Finally, here's a short list of strategies that can help you to feel successful and find happiness by allowing you to reestablish a personal identity for yourself in a strange land.
|
 |